Random Thoughts Note #1

I really don’t have much to write about these days. I actually don’t do much of anything, really. And this has been going on for… Maybe 2 years now? I’m not sure how it happened. Or what caused it. All I know is I feel like my life is in suspended animation. I’m growing older but not getting older. Or maybe it’s not that. Who knows? I’m definitely not an expert. Leave it to someone complaining how nothing has been happening in their lives and blogging rather doing anything about it.

How funny. Or is it? I’m basically just putting random thoughts into digitized text right now. I’m not really thinking of anything. Just the seemingly trivial situation of how I am right now. Though I could be doing something more productive. Of course if you’re reading this, you know for sure that’s definitely NOT what I did.

Lots of things have happened. Lots. Or I would at least like to think so. It’s just that, people can be so.. Ahead? Better? Superior? Whatever it is, there are just people who make you feel so little of yourself, people who make you think you haven’t achieved anything, or worse, people who make you doubt if you even matter at all. I really don’t know if there’s a “golden rule” to this. “This” being how people are assessed. Through achievements? Perfections/imperfections? Personality? That actually makes me remember something I read back then, or heard. I can’t remember. Those who say “it’s not the looks that count but it’s what’s inside” are ugly. Those who say the same thing about money are poor. Now that’s funny.

I guess in the end what I really just wanted to do when I wrote this was to look at myself. And know for sure if I have achieved something. Anything. Have I? It’s just, I feel so small. So insignificant. And looking at all the amazing people I know doesn’t help. I know I’m still just 22 and there are still a lot of things ahead of me. But everyone is so caught up in being overachievers that I can’t help but be tangled within it. Or are they? Am I the only one thinking like this? I would hope not. I really just want to know. If I ever did something that mattered. Or achieved something, anything. While I’m simply looking at myself at a standstill, I hope somewhere I can find it in me to go on again too. Even if I do end up as less than others.