Alone

“You’re never alone but you’re always on your own.”

Have you ever had days when you go out, have fun with people you like going out with, or perhaps just spending the entire day binge watching some eccentric show with a significant other and as the day ends; as you lay down and try to close your eyes, adjust your position, and keep your phone away from bugging you every 2 minutes, you suddenly feel something. You look back at how fun your day has been, you feel your boyfriend or girlfriend take deeper breaths as he / she starts to fall asleep, you think how a good day it was, great even, and yet you feel it. Suddenly, despite all the fun, the people, the company, the laughter, the warmth; you feel lonely. You suddenly feel alone. And it doesn’t really make you sad; it’s a different feeling. It’s a feeling of emptiness; it’s a realization, an epiphany, a revelation, a moment of silence and absence.

Maybe it doesn’t make sense; I mean, you’ve just had a fun day, right? Surrounded by people who you genuinely like, enjoy, connect with, love? No, you’re not making it up. This isn’t like one of those hook ups where intimacy and affection do not mean the same thing. And yes, you’re not lying to yourself. So why then? Why do you feel it? Where does it come from? And why am I feeling alone? In a city of at least 10 million people, no one in this city can honestly say they’ve ever been alone (maybe?).

Until I figure this out, I guess I’ll keep musing to myself, thinking, feeling. An odd sense of alienation parallel to my feelings of connection. An unusual paradox, or perhaps something mundanely common. I wonder, if people who feel alone get together to feel alone, will that make them feel less alone?

Getting Things Done

I haven’t written a blog in such a long time and it wasn’t that I didn’t have the time to write silly things in this page of mine, I simply chose not to. I personally believe that being “busy” is just an excuse for so many people not to do other things they may want to do like pursuing a hobby, checking that new place out, or simply catching up with an old friend. Really, it’s not that we don’t have the time, it’s that we don’t MAKE the time.

Some of you may already be rolling your eyes and I know, I’m not exactly the poster child for making things happen. I’ve felt my life has come stagnant for the past 2 years and I only have myself to blame: I let myself become this drifting, soul-searching, clueless girl I swear I wasn’t going to be but here I am now, 24 (turning 25) and I still haven’t figured out stuff yet. Maybe it’s cause of the messy relationship stuff that has happened to me over the past 2 years, maybe because the cause / advocacy I stood for for years turned out to be such a joke or maybe it’s that lingering resentment I have that started 5 years ago when I graduated and discovered the “real world” is much more different than life at college. There are lots of maybes, and a lot of possibilities.

I’ve always been the person who has to get motivated by something, and working towards that something makes me feel like my life has purpose; that I’m not just some slab of meat stealing oxygen away from everyone else. What I’ve come to realize though, and ironically what I’ve advised people but I never seem to follow, is that you’ve gotta be your own motivation, not something or someone else. Things don’t come “when they’re supposed to come”, they do when you work your ass off and drag that sh*t and make it come to you. Opportunities don’t spring out of thin air, we build them ourselves with either hard work or if you’re lucky, something else (whatever that may be) but I’m sure as hell they don’t just spring out if you do nothing. And if you’re just looking or waiting for some “spark” to ignite you and get yourself going towards that next big thing, go and light yourself on fire. In the end, we’re the ones responsible for our own lives, and we’re the ones responsible for moving ourselves forward.

Stop making excuses that you’re “busy” or your life’s so difficult cause really, whose isn’t? It’s time to get your ass off and actually start doing things; and yes, this very much applies for me too.

Cornstarch, water, and pleasure

It was just earlier when I had the unfortunate event of running out of lube. The solution seems easy–go out and buy one from 7-11, other convenience stores, or the pharmacy of course! But for someone who’s broke and doesn’t wanna go out in today’s grey and wet weather, a girl’s gotta improvise! Besides, Mercury Drug ran out of the Bliss Classic lube I normally use (you don’t say..) and all they had left was the “Fire” variant. Let’s just say the reviews I have read about it are less than stellar.

So off I go to this day and age’s source of not always accurate, but at the very least entertaining information: the Internet. After looking far and wide for homemade lube recipes (which included a suggestion on using egg whites), I happened to see these pages suggesting a cornstarch+water mix. After the boyfriend’s further “research” on people’s testimonies regarding the concoction, I set off to make my own cornstarch lube; an interesting way to spend an otherwise dull Thursday afternoon.

Here are the steps:

a.) In a bowl (or maybe in the cup itself), mix 2 heaping teaspoons of cornstarch with one cup of water. You can change this mixture accordingly. The pages I went to indicated 4 teaspoons but after my 1st batch turned out to be a gooey paste that looked like spoiled porridge, I opted to put in less cornstarch. It’s all in your discretion though, the basic rule is: more cornstarch=thicker lube, and less cornstarch=slicker lube (tip from the boyfriend).

Batch 1: FAIL. This is how the lube looked like even after straining. And I even put lavender oil on it.

b.) Transfer the mixture to a pan/pot (I used a glass one, I’m not sure if metal really wouldn’t be ok) and bring to a boil while constantly stirring. Yes, the instructions I read didn’t mention that you need to stir the thing like there’s no tomorrow or otherwise, lumps will form and you will have to filter it out later. Check the consistency while stirring and once you already achieve the desired slickness/thickness, remove from the stove while continuing to stir. I didn’t take chances, after all, the residual heat might still be able to form lumps.

Batch 2 turned out to be so much better. It’s either the reduced cornstarch or the fact that it was Ate Sanie who stirred and boiled it.

c.) Set it aside to cool down. Read: In room temperature, do not refrigerate! I was still stirring mine at this point from time to time, just to check on any changes in consistency and to make sure it’s all clean. After all, it is lube and will be used on (ehem) intimate areas.

There you have it! I added a few drops of mango scent oil into mine for that zesty twist though I don’t know if I can recommend the same for everyone (Ate Sanie, our helper, was warning me on putting stuff into something I’ll use down there). The mixture itself is odorless so if you’re already fine with that, it should be good to go. Put in an airtight container or a tube dispenser if you have one. Just make sure it’ll stay clean and keep it at room temperature. I’ll try it in a couple of hours and let you know how it is. This is gonna be one interesting experiment!

Update: It was indeed an interesting experiment! I tried using the lube I made for dilation just a few minutes ago and it did work out how lubes should. However, when I opened the container I put it in, it seemed like the mixture eventually still formed lumps; it turned more into a jelly-like substance than the viscuous liquid it looked like hours ago. It does pass for lube but think of it this way; it’s like comparing browsing the Internet through your phone with browsing through your laptop. It sure does the job but lubes well made for the purpose are way ahead of it. If anything, what I liked the most with my lube was the mango scent it had. It really gives that kick and leaves the yummy scent well in “those areas.” I highly suggest scented lubes now.

My own Dirty Thirty List

I got inspired after reading this girl’s blog post on things she would like to do before she turned 30 and I decided to make my own list. It’ll be interesting to see this post again 8 years from now when I actually am 30…

1

I have until Friday to know if this will actually be possible or not. I need to get in here. Even at least try to. I’ll die if I don’t.. (well, not really but something close to that)

2

lawschool-dreamI decided I wanted to be a lawyer when I was around 8 or 9, and I told everyone about it (my parents, classmates, all of my relatives, maybe even total strangers). I may have had a bit of a detour taking something else but I am still sure as hell it’s something I really want to be.

3

ngo-dreamI’ve always wanted to have a job where all my hard work won’t just go to some executive or stockholder’s pocket. I’ve had the experience of working with a great NGO before but this time, I’m way more serious.

4

philtravel-dreamAs much as I would love to see the rest of the world and pack my bags ASAP, it would be a shame to miss out on the many beautiful things my own country has to offer; things that are often overlooked and yet they’re in front of our very eyes! So yes, I must see ALL of the Philippines first. After that..

5

sea-dreamI’d love to travel and backpack all over Southeast Asia!!! Who wouldn’t!?

6

apt-dreamI need to have my very own, very cool, and very oh-so adorable place. SOON. Because 3 girls with raging estrogen levels can only stay in the same place for so long..

7

closet-dreamOf course every girl dreams of a closet no other person would want to come out of. Must I elaborate? And there’s one more thing in that picture I would want before I turn 30..

8

baby-dreamI’m sure I would never have to worry about accidentally having a kid but hopefully, I’ll be prepared by the time I already want to take on the responsibility of raising one (or two?). Only as long as they can bathe themselves like this cute guy here..

I wonder how all of this would play out. It’ll be great if I can manage to accomplish all of it by the time I’m 30 (heck, maybe even way before that!) and who knows, I might even be able to do more. Life isn’t what you always plan it out to be, as I very well know but ultimately, it’s what makes a life worth living. Don’t you think?