Raison d’etre

Thinking about life and shiz. What are we here for? What am I here for? Someone told me, “Cause the world needs you. Cause you have a chance to make things better for everyone.” And I said, “I’m just one of a billion people pushing a car that’s already running.” The world will evolve with or without you or me. People are far too conceited into thinking that their existence matters so much. So I come back to what I was pondering on.. It’s just so hard, and so tiring to live. Every day, hour, and minute; we make a conscious decision to live on, and for what? What’s so bad about the alternative? Especially when things are so so bad..

I know I sound like I’m whining. Especially when I’m in a better position than probably billions of other people living on the planet right now. Actually, what usually keeps me sane on moments when I ponder on things like this is the fact that I know a LOT more people are suffering far worse than I am: child prostitutes, war prisoners, terminally ill patients; there are a lot of people who experience worse but continue on living, continuing on making that conscious choice to live and go on. I’m sure they have their own reasons and I’m glad they have such strong ones; to make them continue on despite all the stuff they’re faced with. In my case though, I’m not so sure. Why do I live? Why do I continue on with this life? Why do I exist? What’s my raison d’etre? My reason for being? Apparently, it’s not something I know of just yet.

Random Thoughts Note #1

I really don’t have much to write about these days. I actually don’t do much of anything, really. And this has been going on for… Maybe 2 years now? I’m not sure how it happened. Or what caused it. All I know is I feel like my life is in suspended animation. I’m growing older but not getting older. Or maybe it’s not that. Who knows? I’m definitely not an expert. Leave it to someone complaining how nothing has been happening in their lives and blogging rather doing anything about it.

How funny. Or is it? I’m basically just putting random thoughts into digitized text right now. I’m not really thinking of anything. Just the seemingly trivial situation of how I am right now. Though I could be doing something more productive. Of course if you’re reading this, you know for sure that’s definitely NOT what I did.

Lots of things have happened. Lots. Or I would at least like to think so. It’s just that, people can be so.. Ahead? Better? Superior? Whatever it is, there are just people who make you feel so little of yourself, people who make you think you haven’t achieved anything, or worse, people who make you doubt if you even matter at all. I really don’t know if there’s a “golden rule” to this. “This” being how people are assessed. Through achievements? Perfections/imperfections? Personality? That actually makes me remember something I read back then, or heard. I can’t remember. Those who say “it’s not the looks that count but it’s what’s inside” are ugly. Those who say the same thing about money are poor. Now that’s funny.

I guess in the end what I really just wanted to do when I wrote this was to look at myself. And know for sure if I have achieved something. Anything. Have I? It’s just, I feel so small. So insignificant. And looking at all the amazing people I know doesn’t help. I know I’m still just 22 and there are still a lot of things ahead of me. But everyone is so caught up in being overachievers that I can’t help but be tangled within it. Or are they? Am I the only one thinking like this? I would hope not. I really just want to know. If I ever did something that mattered. Or achieved something, anything. While I’m simply looking at myself at a standstill, I hope somewhere I can find it in me to go on again too. Even if I do end up as less than others.

Eye(sore) Candy

I just chatted with a friend of mine and one of the things we’ve discussed is looking good. Literally looking good. All of us have our own insecurities when it comes to our looks, but it seems that society has always placed a heavier burden on women on having to look “pretty” or “sexy” or “hot” while men can look, and I’m using the term loosely, “rugged” without any regard for their looks and can totally get away with it.

So we were talking about his going to the gym and his insecurities about “that little fat” on his tummy when he said one of the sweetest things I’ve heard:

“Zoe has her hormones and therapy thing going and I work on my body, it’s just fair.”

Ok, it wasn’t really sweet but he does make a very good point. He also said many things like:

“What kind of guy wouldn’t want to look good for their girl?”

“If I just wanted to become single, I don’t care about it (looks). But if I’m looking for a girl, I want to offer her something.”

“Those American guys are just fastfood victims. You try and look pretty for them but they just stay fat and munch on their burgers.”

“I want to be able to carry my wife after the wedding and I certainly can’t do that if I’m like one of those fat American guys.”  (Ok, I think this is a valid sweet line)

 I’m not into racial stereotyping but I was just quoting what he said and well… Anyway, the whole point of it is, why do men think they can get away looking the way they look without even exerting any effort in looking any better? Is it from their assumption that they already look good? Really?

Hideo's Brazilian-Japanese so he doesn't really count. My point is, have you seen many guys like him (50%!?) walking the streets of Manila? Huh? Huh!?

Sadly, that may just be the case. According to this survey, “48 percent of Filipino males felt they were sexually attractive, coming a close second to Americans, 53 percent of whom felt the same about themselves.” 48 percent. That’s almost 50% or 1 in 2. I’m not trying to degrade the looks of the Filipino male but of the many guys I see when I do go out, I’m most definitely sure I don’t find 50% of them attractive. Heck, the moment I see that many guys I’m attracted to in just one day, I might as well just die and go to heaven (or wherever if you don’t believe in that).

Women go to all these lengths, even more,  just to look good: shaving, waxing, makeup, facial creams, lotions, diamond peels, etc. Men on the other hand can just get out of bed, shower for 5 minutes, then be all “good” and decent to everyone’s eyes (or at least that’s what they think). If a woman doesn’t wax “down there”, it’s gross; for a guy, it’s totally normal. If a woman doesn’t have makeup on and she has this tired look on her face, she looks old; for a guy, he looks “respectable.” If a woman has even the slightest of hair growth on her face, it’s weird; for a guy, even if there’s a forest of hair growing on his chin, he just looks “rugged.” Think about it. Is it really fair?

Lost in Identification

Last night, I got an email from a Facebook post from one of many NGO groups (STRAP) I belong to. It said there was this 27 year old transwoman from Zamboanga who died from complications due to Hepatitis B, which later on caused her kidney cancer. Her body was put, and still remains, in the hospital morgue. Now the caveat is (yes, there still is one), the girl has no known family members in Manila or well, basically no one knows where her family is. She ran away from home when she was 14 or 15 and now she’s dead. 3 days in a morgue, with no one to claim her body and have her buried. I simply dismissed it thinking, “What can I do?” and went on with what I was doing and went to bed.

In the morning when I woke up, I saw the Facebook post has gotten a few more replies and it was then that I saw things were even worse than I had thought. The people at the hospital advised my friend not to take her out in case the family does appear and claims the body. If that happens, they might get in serious trouble for burying their friend without her family knowing. Now I didn’t know this but apparently, morgues (or maybe just that one in particular) hold onto the dead bodies they have for 60 days and after which, they couldn’t care less what happens to them. That’s how long my friend has to wait to be able to bury her friend without any consequences and that’s a very long time. I can already imagine the body being a bit decomposed and well.. It’s not really pretty as we all know. ANOTHER thing is the girl doesn’t have any IDs and her birth certificate is also missing. She doesn’t have anything to prove her identity. All she ever owned or had was a small suitcase full of clothes, makeup, a flat iron, and a curling iron. We have all suggested many things from raiding her phone (which wasn’t of much help since she ran away when she was 14/15), looking through her documents (she had none), to asking or contacting someone from Zamboanga who might be able to help. My friend is currently trying to do all that she can right now and we are all trying to help her too but it just made me think.

What if I was in a situation like that? What if I suddenly died and no one knew where my family members were and no one knew of my identity? What would that be like? It’s just sad when I think about it. Morbid even. But I just can’t help but think if I were in that person’s situation. It must be very hard, and scary. I can’t imagine myself in a situation like that. I refuse to. It’s something I wouldn’t want to happen to anyone. I can only imagine.

I hope sooner or later that we find the family. I’m trying to help out because I don’t want anyone to be put in that situation. I just don’t.


Okay. My very first blog post in ages!!! I figure since I’m out of work and have lots of time and cool stuff to spare, that I might as well just blog. Who knows, I might get rich or something. So this is das anfangen. The beginning. As you can see I have this fascination with the German language. Mind you, I’m not really good at it. Not yet and I’m not sure if I ever will. Oh well. Enough of this rambling. Time for me to start posting stuff!!!