Alone

“You’re never alone but you’re always on your own.”

Have you ever had days when you go out, have fun with people you like going out with, or perhaps just spending the entire day binge watching some eccentric show with a significant other and as the day ends; as you lay down and try to close your eyes, adjust your position, and keep your phone away from bugging you every 2 minutes, you suddenly feel something. You look back at how fun your day has been, you feel your boyfriend or girlfriend take deeper breaths as he / she starts to fall asleep, you think how a good day it was, great even, and yet you feel it. Suddenly, despite all the fun, the people, the company, the laughter, the warmth; you feel lonely. You suddenly feel alone. And it doesn’t really make you sad; it’s a different feeling. It’s a feeling of emptiness; it’s a realization, an epiphany, a revelation, a moment of silence and absence.

Maybe it doesn’t make sense; I mean, you’ve just had a fun day, right? Surrounded by people who you genuinely like, enjoy, connect with, love? No, you’re not making it up. This isn’t like one of those hook ups where intimacy and affection do not mean the same thing. And yes, you’re not lying to yourself. So why then? Why do you feel it? Where does it come from? And why am I feeling alone? In a city of at least 10 million people, no one in this city can honestly say they’ve ever been alone (maybe?).

Until I figure this out, I guess I’ll keep musing to myself, thinking, feeling. An odd sense of alienation parallel to my feelings of connection. An unusual paradox, or perhaps something mundanely common. I wonder, if people who feel alone get together to feel alone, will that make them feel less alone?

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